We were in a little piece of heaven on the weekend...called Burnt River

There is a little place called Burnt River and there is a small little cottage... there with no phone no electricity it has a pump...it is absolute heaven...the mosquitoes may drive you crazy some days but that is what bug spray and fires are for...can't wait to go back

My how they grow....

From this....

....to this

Wordless Wednesday....

He ain't heavy he's my brother....David and Erik.

What did you do today????

3:40 Andrew cried out, afraid of the dark, had a nightmare, details are fuzzy... just put my head on the pillow David is crying his legs hurt run back upstairs stumble into kitchen grab medicine hopefully give him correct amount

5:00 Erik called for his bottle grab heavy glass bottle out of fridge heat up, pee while heating up bottle get diaper grab bottle make sure lid in is on properly, grab baby sit on couch feed put baby to bed stumble back downstairs just pass out Carp's alarm goes off he turns on light fumbes looking for clothes note to self invent glow in the dark underwear or stick some of Andrews glow in the dark stickers on Daddy's work clothes

6:15 awesome dream disturbed I was alone in the desert in a tub with bubbles no rescue heroes sticking up my ass ABBA is playing...why is my face wet ... something is licking my face...quit licking my face...wake up to huge tongue and head of Maximus no god damn Maximus

6:30 go into bathroom struggle to open eyes and wash slobber off my face boys are watching TV baby wakes up yelling to be removed from crib, get baby put him on floor get on computer write, read pull myself out of my dozy state

7:00 do dishes from night before, ask my patrons what they want for breakfast, ,ake three different breakfasts, sometimes remember to feed the dog, trip over cat remember to feed the cat who I cannot remember feeding the day before, serve breakfast feed baby, talk to mom while feeding baby, wipe umpteen noses, change diapers

7:30 keep at dishes, feeding, look for clothes for kids, dress kids, make Andrew lunch if its a school day answer umpteen questions When are we playing soccer? Are we going to school today? Can we go to playgroup? What is Erik putting in his mouth? Is Max supposed to eat that shoe? Where is my special bag? Is it going to be cold? Do we need sunscreen? Do I have to wear a hat? Is daddy at work? Why does he have to work? When is he coming home? Can we go to Reuben's/Garrett's/ Coulson's/ Grandma's Charlies today? Can we go to Marineland? Can we stay in a hotel tonight? Can I watch my show? Can we live in a bigger house? Where do ants come from? Why are they in the bathroom? Mamma why are there cobwebs on the ceiling? Can we go watch Indiana Jones? When? Can I get the Indiana Jones Lego? ....struggle to keep my sanity, throw some yoghourt into me, if I am lucky throw a brush through my hair and put my clothes on the right way hopefully without spots, hunt for socks, important bag etc remember dog hasn't been out to pee adn that is possibly why he is following me all around the house, let dog out let cat out after tripping over her once again...

8:30 out the door into car with the crew if it is a school day, drop Andrew David off, Erik falls asleep, put him in crib, when we get home cat naps eat and "sit" "watch" Racheal Ray think holy shit my house is a disaster, spend most of the day cleaning tidying up scrambling to make it look that I at least made some kind of effort to clean, escape to the computer every once in a while, come up with something for dinner that is healthy and will be enjoyed by most of them,

12:15 lunch is something I can throw together and the baby can enjoy, and that follows within the guidelines for Weight Watchers core program, baby naps or cat naps at some point in the afternoon, laundry, curse at laundry, dream that there was a laundry and dish fairy, grocery shop, run errands which will only take a few minutes in Carps words, hopefiully fit in some form of walk with the stroller and dog,

5:00 pick up kids, sometimes eat and get ready for their soccer or babseball/teeball, off we go with everyone in tow, home bath

7:45 aim for a bath bed for the boys baby gets a bottle after and put into bed

8:30 look at dishes curse, sit watch tv, zone out go on computer, think about snacking try not to snack, think maybe I will get more done tommorrow Carp is at home at some point in the evening sometimes 5:00 sometimes 6:30 sometimes 7:30 who knows

10:30 bottles ready for morning, sometimes look at dishes...think again maybe I will get more done tommorrow, begin to panic think what the hell am I going to do when I go back to work, look in at the kids think god they are cute when they are sleeping, its not so bad, go to bed, read, just fall asleep, get up when someone cries out go in comfort them, stumble back in bed curse as I realize Garbage isn't covered yell out in the dark to the humongous attack raccoon, hiss at dog to not bark, finally go back to bed try to get comfortable, fall asleep

and the question always is what did you do today ...oh not much

The week of the dragon

What is it about birthday party's? First we had a theme...knights and we flew with it. The cake was going to be a castle...we were going to make shields out of cardboard that the boys would decorate themselves...there would be a dragon...a dragon that would be easy some chicken wire, some cardboard, wine bottles for eyes, lots of newspaper some wallpaper paste it would be a great creative project for me and the boys. I am not totally new to papier mache...I went to Seneca for window design and then saw the absolute elite of creativity knitting mittens out of steel wool for a project, another that opened and played Christmas carols as you paged through the assignment ...yeah I know a little over the top but they had what it took for the Eaton Centre, York Mills, Holt Renfrew or the Toronto Santa Claus Parade and that was not where I wanted my journey to go. Now papier mache there was a something I was allowed to be messy and creative and build. Now creating a dragon head with my boys the critics were more at my level and if it didn't turn out quite right I could always blame that part on the boys. Off I went to the local Co-op for chicken wire they asked what kind I said in my most technical chicken coop building language "the bendiest please" and as Erik sat on the floor amongst the corn, seed, gardeningstuff, the man looked at me a little perplexed and I said "I am building a dragon. " "Well we only have it in rolls of 20 feet" I said "Well its a big ass dragon." So there we went I found a box, wire cutters and wine bottles at my parents, seeing as they are the only ones drinking the stuff...seriously I have an allergy to alcohol. I got home and started to mold the form...David got a few scratches from the chicken wire and Andrew kept yelling is it done yet as he rode by on his bike. Next we had to figure out how we were going to hold the head up an old mop handle...it was a green project to boot reduce ( well maybe not that) reuse definitely...recycle yes sir. The next day there was sun the boys were in school baby napping Mp3 player ready to go so I stuck the head in a pipe in the ground (Don't ask) and I went to town slapping on the newspaper. It began to take form, I dragged him inside after he dried a bit because he was supposed to rain, the next day David "helped' me paint the base coat a lovely turquoise of mistint paint he was stark naked because apparently that is how we paint around here after he dried we dragged him to my mom's so he could be painted in the garage in the rain. I used the paint from all the rooms we have painted I cut the sponges in the forms of scales and called Reuben, Andrew's friend and they "sponged" a marble concoction onto the dragon's head, they had gold, yellow, brown, green, blue and turquoise. It was more of a belting and smooshing than a tapping of the sponge and it was more haphazard than I had intended with no resemblance to dragon's scales whatsoever but in the end as the kids slayed the dragon with dollar store swords narrowly missing each others bodies as I thought maybe I should have gotten the parents to sign a waiver...I looked at Andrew's face with a big grin and as I put him to bed I asked him what the best part of the day was ...I thought the magician, the present's, the cake he looked at me sleepily and he said the dragon. That is what it is all about...isn't it.

Blessed

As I look at Erik stuffy nose and all sleeping peacefully in his bed and hear Andrew and David arguing over who set up what...I know how lucky I am. I don't live in Myanmar living in fear waiting for aid to come in so my family can eat, knowing that those in my family who did not make it will not get the burial they deserve. I don't live in China where I believed my children would be safe in school when I sent them off in the morning until an earthquake hit. I don't live in Oklahoma where I await to see if another Tornado will hit and I can't find a place to hide my family. I live in a little town, with a roof over my head, my family has full bellies and are healthy, my husband is coming home tonight...I am truly blessed.

Flashback Friday ...what 6 years isn't a flashback

Seeing that this is the week that Andrew was born and that Sunday is mother's day...I have chosen a picture of two amazing mother's and Andrew. My mother in law Jean is a mother of 4 amazing kids her and Ivan have been married ....a helluva long time they married when she was 19 ...she had Robbie when she was 20 or 21, I believe. Jean is a hardworking woman who when it comes to her own family is a momma bear and don't you dare say anything bad about any of them. She is one of the most most stubborn people and when Jean thinks she is right watch out. She is an incredible grandmother and doesn't just sit and watch her grandkids but is right in there playing with them. The best rule I ever came up with that has saved alot of arguments and hurt feelings is Grandma's house grandma's rules and believe me they hold me to it if I try to object to that extra cookie or treat. Now my mamma Helene is called Elmo. In Sweden your mother's mother is Mormor and your father's mother is Farmor, Andrew as a little boy started off with Momo then it became Elmo and it stuck. Nobody gives better hugs then Elmo, nobody bakes or cooks like Elmo either, all my boys have been serenaded on the piano by her as well, she has coloured with them and helped teach them to draw. She has enabled their addiction for kussi coo which is any fabric that is soft and cozy. Polar fleece and chenille are king at our house. ( I can just see their future girlfriends confusion when they get polar fleece pj's and chenille sweaters instead of lingrie) She is a very loving grandmother and it shows. This is one of my favourite pictures of Andrew. It shows happiness and joy...and who doesn't love a happy ending.

and then we were six

The End

"When I was One,I had just begun.

When I was Two,I was nearly new.

When I was Three, I was hardly me.

When I was Four, I was not much more.

When I was Five, I was just alive.

But now I am Six, I'm as clever as clever,So I think I'll be six now for ever and ever."

AA Milne And then We were Six

Andrew Jan Edward was born just a little after midnight after some rapid pushing so they wouldn't give me C Section. He recognized Carp's voice right away and from that moment on I was done. he filled my heart and my soul in a way I never thought was possible. In the womb he was Maja...that didn't cut it so Andrew it was. We had tried for over five years to get pregnant and my appointment for the fertility clinic was on the Monday. The Friday prior I took a pregnancy test, it was positive. My blood tests results came back on Tuesday September 11th 2001... a day of unspeakable devastation for some but of bittersweet joy for me. Andrew is one of the funniest people I know, he loves to play pranks and plans them in detail, he loves to create things whether it be with crayons, lego or recyables, he is my hugger, kisser and sometimes my voice of reason on a bad day. He is an amazing big brother, considerate and loving cousin, a loyal and thoughtful friend. He is a definitely a boy from his massive Gaynor hands, to his solid build right down to his constantly moving feet. He is the best of Carp and I mixed into one. He is a spitting image of Carp when he was little, he has my heart which through all the hurt will become strong...he is an amazing boy and today can you believe it he is 6.

Flashback Friday

This picture is of myself and Kofi, a beautiful little boy from the village of Adame in Togo West Africa. He was the son of the weaving teacher at CRASE, a trade school which we, lived in for three months. He was one of the only children who didn't scream or cry out in fear or run away from the white skin of the Yovo's in our small goup of 12. He must have been about 7or 8 months and the name Kofi showed he would have been born on a Wednesday. This is my absolute favourite picture of myself...I was 20 I was in Africa, I wasn't anybody's daughter, I wasn't anybody's girlfriend, I wasn't party Caroline, I wasn't running from anything, I was just Caroline in a beautiful breathtaking place up in the mountains, no electricity, no running water. I believed there was good in all people and that I could save the world. I was also a girl who was extremely homesick and missing a boy named Carp. It was in this place that I began to realize how unSwedish I was, it went deeper than the roots of my hair and the colour of my eyes, it was the way I approached people while the Swedes in my class stood back, it was the way I understood the whole "tid i U-land" the time factor when you are in a developing country, it was how I naively believed that we were all the same. I began to I see that things were bigger than me and that I could do it on my own. It was a time I learned I don't know it all, I don't have it all and I don't want it all because that is not what brings you true happiness and joy.

Here are some more observations living in Kuma Dunyo for three months..

* I realized to that life isn't fair and isn't meant to be

* that class does matter, that you don't become and understand Africans their culture and their struggles in three months

* that I really don't have it in me to marry and become anybody's second wife

* no matter how much I promised I would eat and try everything a chicken head in my soup is my limit but a large rat isn't

* when everyone is drinking the beer with the blood in it you should to

* you can get drunk on Palm wine made from a tree especially when you have walked many miles and eaten only fruit in the hot sun

* some parts of the voodoo belief make sense and seem very very real

* that you can feed a large family on some pounded yams and sauce

* that being a moslem woman doesn't neccessarily mean that you are oppressed

* West African women are some of the most beautiful, resourceful, strong, incredible women I have had the honour of meeting

* a pineapple a jar of freshly roasted peaunts and a loaf of bread constitutes a meal

* do not cook your drinking water in the pot that you made fish sauce in the night before, if you are thirsty enough you will drink anything

* lemongrass doesn't take away the taste of fish

* your bathroom habits makes for interesting conversations and even a lovely poem

* you can survive eating stuff you shouldn't

* the mosquito net is your friend

* don't ever go barefoot

* ants can be horrible vicious creatures

* yes there are worse motel rooms but what do you expect for $8.00 a night

* No you will never see a more brilliant sky

* eat in the small hut, along with your group of 11 people, of a mother of 6 and truly understand the meaning of pride and making your food stretch and still taste delicious

* cockroaches are huge especially in the light of your oil lamp, especially when they are in your bed

* "just being with" the cockroach is better and less tiring than worrying about him

* there are very large snakes and yes you can hold it a very long time if it means going to pee in the dark or at first light espscially after the boys sighted one going down to the bathroom

* your dignity is left at the door of the bathroom

* yes you can shit that many times

* celebrating the dead instead of mourning them what a concept

* mosquitos and other creatures can make you very very sick

* bring your own help if you are needing medical attention or you will be very hungry

* education is something we truly take advantage of watch a 6 year old skipping to school with a big grin on her face knowing she has just walked 7 km's just to get there

* a bag of Hickory sticks, playgirl pictures and a Stephen king novel in english make a lovely gift for someone from Canada living with Swedes, living in Kuma Dunyo even if that is not something you would have ever purchased for yourself at home...(ok ok maybe the Playgirl)

* yes you can get dirtier and not care

* you can wash long hair and your body in one maybe two buckets of water carried from the cistern

* you need a very strong neck and coordination and a strong sense of balance to carry said buckets on your head to arrive to the shower area with any water left in the bucket

* flip flops make excellent fly swatters in the bathroom

* finding butter, ice, swedish cookies ( which were actually french) and a bottle of coconut rum in town can make you extremely excited and then wrack you with guilt after it has been consumed

* you can truly see hatred in someone's eyes

* the written word in the form of letters best thing ever

* I can survive without a phone

* distance can be good for the relationship and make the heart grow fonder

* a machete is not a good weapon to see after you have fought off someone trying to rob you

* if you want to see corruption at it's finest visit a police station,

* yes you can fit more people or livestock in that "taxi"

* best ever Sweet potato fries, spaghetti salad and fried dough balls

* I have never seen more smiles or contrasts, heard more joyful singing or laughter, smelled such sweet perfume and air, touched such smoothly carved and sanded wood carvings or tasted such freshness in fruit in any other place I have visited.

thanks for the flashback kids (ahh pre pregnancy body ... priceless)