Happy 40th to Denise

My girlfriend Denise whom I have known most of my life recently turned 40 here is my speech for her 40th Birthday....


I will never forget the day that I heard that Denny was pregnant with Reuben it was 9 11. Vera had just phoned to confirm my pregnancy with Andrew and shared the news. It was a surreal day. My parents were an ocean away, the news permeated every channel there was no escaping it. I remember talking to Denise that day, she was shocked beyond belief that she was pregnant it wasn’t something expected. I believe gin and tonic might have been consumed. We talked with trepidation about what we kind of world we were bringing these children into. It was a day of joy so intertwined with fear and heartache. I look back 7 years later and in our sons I see these amazing young boys they have become. They are so different, they don’t spend a lot of time together, but when they get together they click. We have always said they are like two old souls. I believe this stems from 2 generations of friendship that started over 35 years ago with our parents. I take solace in knowing that whatever happens in this world that our children will always have each other…like we did. It is the kind of friendship that doesn’t need to be forced, the kind where you can have a difference of opinions or shared fuck you’s and end the evening with a hug. The kind of friendship that regardless of the mistakes you make they will always be there. It is family.
Family is a funny thing. It is what you make it. Sometimes it is implanted in you and the generations that surround you as a child. Sometimes it comes with the saying of vows in front of your loved ones connecting two families in marriage. Sometimes it just happens… there is no rhyme or reason and when you try to look back and remember the first time that person entered your life you can’t because they were always there. Denny’s presence in my life has come with so much. The memories I have are boundless. Some come with the kind of laughter the kind that only someone who was there can truly appreciate. Some come with tears, heartache and the support that doesn’t need to be spoken or asked for. Some come with the frustration and challenges that different opinions, priorities and beliefs bring. But all come with a warmness and strength in knowing that no matter where I go, the celebrations and challenges I will face down the road I will turn around and there you will be by my side. So as we celebrate the 40th birthday of you my friend I will raise my glass in a toast…I hope you will always revel in the journey, celebrate what you have become, rejoice in the love that surrounds you but more importantly that you always have a full bottle of something and someone to share it with. Skoal, Prost, Le’chaim, Na zdrowie, . 'Budmo!' Cheers

Memorial Service...my philosophical side

It is human nature to search for Answers. Who, what, when, where why and how. I think that in the process we forget that we aren’t meant to find the answers sometimes the important part is the search itself. Somehow some of us believe that knowing will somehow make it easier. It doesn’t necessarily make it easier because the end is always the same we are born we live and we die. We are not mortal, just like all living things. Birth and Death are two of life’s greatest mysteries. There are times where a resident seems to wait until someone arrives, at times they wait till they are alone, sometimes they wait till they know their loved ones are going to be ok, now and again they just know and share that with someone and other times they just go because now seems as good a time as any and they don’t want to fight any more. We have the technology and the know how to prolong life, we now have medications and machines that keep illness at bay but it is not meant to neccessarily be a cure it is sometimes just meant to buy us time.
Time is a funny thing. It is not something you can really buy, it can be measured but it is not something you can add to, you think you can save it but you can’t really use it another day, you can waste it, you can spare it, you can test it, it can fly, it can heal, you can kill it, it can be on your side or not, there are good ones and bad ones, sometimes it stands still, while other times it passes by so quickly we didn’t realize where it has gone, some of us have more of it than others, we want it the most but use it the worst. Time means different things to us in different stages in our lives. When we are young we can’t wait to get older to do what we think we want but when we get there half the fun was actually in the wanting. As the children in our lives grow we wonder where it went. Then if some of us are fortunate enough to make it to old age we would give anything to get some of it back, to make amends, to tell someone we love them one more time, or to console them and tell them that everything was going to be ok.
Growing up with family far away I have learned it isn’t always the amount of time we spend with loved ones but how we spend it.
There is no way we can make time stand still or take some of it back all we can do is use the time we have as wisely as we can. Now is the time to say what we need to say, now is the time to forgive, now is the time to reflect and appreciate the time we had and in some cases still have with each other.

A rainbow, a stray and a feather

When we are faced with death we sometimes search for signs. Signs which give us closure, signs which validate decisions we made for our loved ones, signs to ensure that they are ok and in essence that somehow we are going to be ok. The decision to put Maximus to sleep was one of the hardest I have ever had to make and I say I because it was ultimately my decision. He was young only 2 but the more and more time that passed after the decision had been made I knew deep in my broken heart it was the right decision. My sons have done amazingly well with the whole thing, of course a mother working in a senior's home and dealing with Palliative care does allow for very interesting conversations in the Carpenter household. I tend to be a very open and honest person and when dealing with my sons and the topic of death and this journey has been no different. There have been tears and there have been laughs as we have remembered what this horse of a dog brought into our lives. The time as a young "puppy", a term used very loosely because size wise I wouldn't exactly use puppy as a term to describe him, when he bounded into the neighbours kitchen and started chasing their dog Ricki around the house while they quietly ate breakfast. Thank god they were dog people. The times he would sit on the couch his butt on the cushions and sit while we watched tv. The times he would sit aloof as Erik used him as jungle gym crawling over him and jumping on him.
Carp and I took him to Coby to have him put down and we sat and laid with him as he peacefully went to sleep no longer in pain. And so the signs began. Later that night I went out on the front step and saw the biggest rainbow in the sky, Andrew and I looked at it for a while and we felt it was Maximus telling us that he was ok. the next morning as I was doing dishes I looked out on the back deck and there was a litlle black scraggly stray dog that looked like grandma and poppa's dog Cocoa which had been put down a few years ago. We fed him and he dissappeared. David said "I think Max showed him the way here because he knew we had food." My mom, Elmo to my boys,had just returned from new York where she had stayed at her best friend's apartment. Gittan's husband Steve died a few years ago after battling cancer. Gittan has a whole vase filled with feather's that she has found while thinking of Steve or in a predicament and it has brought her comfort and she she feels Steve's prescence. Monday we were ready for school in record time arare occurence in our house so we decided to go see Elmo. The boys raided her cookie supply and then went outside to play as mom and I went out to the front lawn we both looked and there on the front lawn was a big black crow's feather. Mom and I laughed out loud and I pictured Maximus among some new found friends.
Oh yes it might be coincidence, but for us it brings peace in our hearts knowing that he is ok and with us and what is wrong with that.

Damn it I am going to miss him

The appointment is set for noon Saturday...it is weird you know this must what it is like for a scheduled C section but sadder. Knowing that things are going to chnage after that day and there is no going back. Knowing that around 12:30 it will be done, your emotions are going to be out of whack, there will be tears and dealing with the fallout from the boys and Carp. I look at Maxi as he limps along and I know that this is the best decision but it breaks my heart that this gentle soul whom Erik sings to in the morning, Erik crawls all over and lays with before bed at night, who watches the boys as they play, visits the neighbours on his own and steals Ricki's raw hide bones, this beast of a dog I have called every name in the book, who follows me and gets under foot or in his case under ass is actually going to be gone. David and Andrew are going with us a decision the boys made...David has informed me that he won't miss Max because he will go to heaven and we will see him again some day and he will have Maddy to play with... but I did overhear them talking tonight and David did say that he will miss him. I think the hardest part is knowing that you are ultimately making a decision that is taking the life of something...even though you know in your heart and head that it is the right decison does not in the least make it any easier. So as I sit and type, through wet eyes, with Maxi's big head on my lap and his eyes staring up at me...I hope he knows that no matter how much I called him f*@#ing Maximus it was out of love and I want to Thank him.
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. ~Roger Caras

My lessons from death.

I am involved with our palliative team at Fenelon Court. One of the things I help prepare is the memorial service. This is an excerpt from my "Sermon"



We are here today to remember 7 remarkable people, 7 people who’s lives were very different before Fenelon Court became a part of their lives. One of these residents may have been a teacher by fate but all of these residents taught us lessons about life. It has been a heavy few months we just had our last memorial service at the beginning of March where we remembered 10 of our residents and now here we are again and it is only May. It is times like these that the jobs we do become difficult. The people here who call Fenelon Court their home are near and dear to our hearts. We are a small home with only 67 residents and we all know each other. Each death affects us all whether we are staff, resident or family or friend.

I have the honour of working with residents and families who are dealing with death as a member of our palliative team and it has been the most rewarding, the most challenging, the most emotional and oddly enough the greatest gift. A gift might be a strange way of describing death but for me I have learned so much from death…that it can only be described as a gift, a gift of the greatest lessons. I would like to share some of them today.


I’ve learned that Life is precious and unpredictable.
I’ve learned that family is as family is.
I have learned that we need to Love one another, respect one another, accept one another especially when we find it hardest.
I have learned that it is the creation of memories and the building of traditions that brings us longing at some points and comfort at others.
I’ve learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see totally different things.
I’ve learned that we never stop being a student.
I’ve learned that Death ends a life not the relationship.
I’ve learned that Death is not something you get over, there is no calendar you can follow with grief…so many months so many years it doesn’t work like that. The pain just gets a little duller over time but it is always there.
I have learned that one of the most difficult things in life is figuring out when to hang on and when to let go.
I’ve learned that everyone matters to someone.
I’ve learned that Death can bring out the best in people and the worst in people.
I’ve learned that life is full of contradictions.
Life is a mystery. Death is an even bigger mystery.
I’ve learned that the past can come back and bite you in the behind or kiss you on the cheek.
I’ve learned that we all need to learn to forgive ourselves and other’s a little more.
I’ve learned that no matter how much you are hurting the world doesn’t stop for your grief.
I’ve learned that one day it will be too late…too late to say the things you should say and too late to do the things you should do so don’t assume it is too late to do them right now.
I’ve learned that every journey is different and it doesn’t get any easier.

I know in my heart that when I stop shedding tears it will be time to stop doing this work. I know one of the greatest fears when we face death it is the fear of our loved ones being forgotten. The people we are remembering today will not be forgotten they will be remembered in the stories and the memories we share here today, and in our laughter, tears and hearts as we return to their stories in the years to come.

What started as rambling and ended in aha

So here I sit with wet eyes and a heavy heart knowing the decision we have to make regarding my boy Maximus. After talking and my eyes going crosseyed researching, I have come to the conclusion that even not thinking of the $6000.00 it will cost to fix his knees, he will still be in pain from arthritis, he will still have to put up with in his silent way a toddler jumping on him while he tries to recuperate, he will still have a hard time keeping it all together and not look like Bambi on ice on my laminate floors and down the roads the hips which don't look good either might give out as well. It breaks my heart that this gentle soul of a dog is not long for this world not because of an act of nature or dying of old age or of some accident but because of a decision we must make. With the work I do and through my life I have seen alot of death...some peaceful, some painful, some expected and welcomed some were a shock, death happpens through all the stages in life and it is a hard and difficult journey. I now am just beginning to understand the denial, the not wanting it to be true, the anguish of decision making because maybe this course of treatment you choose might ultimately mean the death of someone or something you love, (no matter how much it might piss you off in life sometimes). Yes I know this is a dog we are talking about but there is a lesson to be learned here. I deal with death all the time, I deal with families going through a painful hard journey watching their loved one die. A person who they have fought with, loved, shared with for as long as they can remember. I try my hardest to be compassionate to say the right thing, to not sound like I read my response in a book or heard it at a seminar. I take pride in the care that I give with my whole heart and in the most respectful way possible. I take pride in the knowledge I have collected from reading, researching and experience. We are always learning and sometimes in the strangest moments. Despite all that, I never truly could begin to understand that decision making part, the guilt of knowing that my decision though in my heart I am making someone I love more comfortable but that decision ultimately could mean the end of someone's or in my case something's life. The decision made as a family member standing by the bed or the nurse making the decision and weighing comfort and hope. Struggling to know what the right decision is and for who. The guilt gnawing at you as you argue and look at it from all sides, financial, emotional, physical. Struggling to figure out what to say what to do when it all happens. Trying to figure out when it will happen or when it should happen. Funny how lessons can be found in the strangest places.

I am jealous of a 84 year old woman

I worked Monday night at the senior's home...after happy hour yes there was booze and stories. I sat with two of my residents philosiphizing and solving the world's problem's as we usually do and we watched 2 ladies who have dementia sit in awe and spend 20 minutes chasing our resident bunny, in their wheelchairs around the lightpost down the hall and back, talking to him and watching him and laughing. In that moment I found myself somewhat mezmorized by the simplicity of the moment the simple joy that a resident rabbit brought to these two ladies in their own little world, they waved each other over "Cmon he went over this way" they would point and off he would run and they followed giddily behind. It was funny to watch and I found myself jealous. Jealous of them being at the place in their mind where all that mattered were these two ladies, the thrill of the chase, however quiet or slow and a little rabbit. Their minds, their thoughts were carefree not invaded by bills, dog woes, not the four deaths that had happened in the past week, not thoughts of whether the house was clean, none of that mattered... all that mattered was enjoying that moment and catching the damn rabbit.