What started as rambling and ended in aha

So here I sit with wet eyes and a heavy heart knowing the decision we have to make regarding my boy Maximus. After talking and my eyes going crosseyed researching, I have come to the conclusion that even not thinking of the $6000.00 it will cost to fix his knees, he will still be in pain from arthritis, he will still have to put up with in his silent way a toddler jumping on him while he tries to recuperate, he will still have a hard time keeping it all together and not look like Bambi on ice on my laminate floors and down the roads the hips which don't look good either might give out as well. It breaks my heart that this gentle soul of a dog is not long for this world not because of an act of nature or dying of old age or of some accident but because of a decision we must make. With the work I do and through my life I have seen alot of death...some peaceful, some painful, some expected and welcomed some were a shock, death happpens through all the stages in life and it is a hard and difficult journey. I now am just beginning to understand the denial, the not wanting it to be true, the anguish of decision making because maybe this course of treatment you choose might ultimately mean the death of someone or something you love, (no matter how much it might piss you off in life sometimes). Yes I know this is a dog we are talking about but there is a lesson to be learned here. I deal with death all the time, I deal with families going through a painful hard journey watching their loved one die. A person who they have fought with, loved, shared with for as long as they can remember. I try my hardest to be compassionate to say the right thing, to not sound like I read my response in a book or heard it at a seminar. I take pride in the care that I give with my whole heart and in the most respectful way possible. I take pride in the knowledge I have collected from reading, researching and experience. We are always learning and sometimes in the strangest moments. Despite all that, I never truly could begin to understand that decision making part, the guilt of knowing that my decision though in my heart I am making someone I love more comfortable but that decision ultimately could mean the end of someone's or in my case something's life. The decision made as a family member standing by the bed or the nurse making the decision and weighing comfort and hope. Struggling to know what the right decision is and for who. The guilt gnawing at you as you argue and look at it from all sides, financial, emotional, physical. Struggling to figure out what to say what to do when it all happens. Trying to figure out when it will happen or when it should happen. Funny how lessons can be found in the strangest places.

I am jealous of a 84 year old woman

I worked Monday night at the senior's home...after happy hour yes there was booze and stories. I sat with two of my residents philosiphizing and solving the world's problem's as we usually do and we watched 2 ladies who have dementia sit in awe and spend 20 minutes chasing our resident bunny, in their wheelchairs around the lightpost down the hall and back, talking to him and watching him and laughing. In that moment I found myself somewhat mezmorized by the simplicity of the moment the simple joy that a resident rabbit brought to these two ladies in their own little world, they waved each other over "Cmon he went over this way" they would point and off he would run and they followed giddily behind. It was funny to watch and I found myself jealous. Jealous of them being at the place in their mind where all that mattered were these two ladies, the thrill of the chase, however quiet or slow and a little rabbit. Their minds, their thoughts were carefree not invaded by bills, dog woes, not the four deaths that had happened in the past week, not thoughts of whether the house was clean, none of that mattered... all that mattered was enjoying that moment and catching the damn rabbit.

25 ok ok 27 things about me...

A few weeks ago while on visiting my guilty pleasure ...Facebook, more about that later, we had to write 25 random things about ourselves and post them....here are my 27 ( if you know me I tend to make my own rules at times) random things....
25 things about me hmmmm what can I write publically

1 I believe I was meant to have boys so I could teach them how to be good men and respect women.
2 I love to say the word Fuck Off, Fuck it, God damn fucking dog it is such a release it makes me feel so much better.
3 I am in shock that my children do not say it ... all the time.
4 I absolutely love my job, I was put on this earth to work and play with senior's and be creative. I feel it is an absolute honour to be surrounded by such amazing people who are so vital and so full of stories and so damn funny. I learn more from them than they could ever learn from me.
5 I don't like mean people, I don't have patience for woe is me, I do not like when people make judgements without walking or reflecting on what it would be like to walk in someone's shoes, I dislike negativity....but on the other hand I believe everyone has something to offer or give.
6. I believe Stress kills or it will make you very sick.
7. I believe in Karma baby. I believe you put good into the world good will come back. I believe everything happens for a reason even though that belief has been questioned many a time I believe it still rings true. I believe we are not given more than we can handle and we all have our path.
8 I cannot truly follow a recipe I always have to add something or do something that makes it my own.
9 My music tastes run the gamut and change with my moods...Miriam Makeba, African tribal music ABBA, Swedish rock from the 80's and 90's, Sven Ingvar's, Nickelback, loooove Serena Ryder, ACDC, Andre Bocelli, Led Zeppelin, Guns and Roses, etc
10 Violins make me cry.
11 Remembrance Day makes me cry I miss alot of friends at that time and it makes me sad that in my lifetime I believe we will see the last of the veterans of the World Wars. Play the last Post and I am done. I wonder if I spelled Remberance day correctly because I always spell it wrong...one of them has to be right I do not know which one.
12 I am Phoebe... I am full of contradictions, I always want to be fair to all the cookies, I sometimes put my foot in my mouth
13 I never tell anyone... no one ... and I never will everything about me I wouldn't want them to think I was too fucked up LMAO
14 My house is a disaster it always will be a disaster ( self fulfilled prophecy) but if my children and husband are happy and content and there is laughter in my house I am beginning to not really care.
15 I always cared too much what people think. Now I really don't give a fuck.
16. I do not understand the concept of a sip, take a bite, try a little, driving slow it' s either all or nothing.
17 I love to learn and constantly love looking up stuff and learning new things.
18 I have the utmost respect and am in awe of single mom's especially moms who are PSW's or in the nursing field they are in it because they care but they nevr have enough time and it is a hard, dirty job.
19 My goals include wanting to publish a book, a children's book or two and I will, go to Circus school and try the trapeze, go to Indonesia or Africa and see primates especially orangutangs in the wild and spend time with them I want to hold an orangutang, I want to see New Orlean's I want to dance with abandonment in a smoky New Orleans Jazz bar, I want to return to Sweden in the summer with my family Carp and the boys, I want to go on Safari in South Africa see the grasslands in a hot air balloon with animal herds underneath take hundreds of Photos and study a lions pride with Carp for a month when he has retired and once again see an African night sky, I want to speak french in Paris and smell the urine soaked streets and shop in the flea markets and take a unique picture of the Eifell tower, I want to be married to Carp still laughing and still want to be when we are 75. I still want to be a photographer when I am 75 and still using film just to prove a point.
20 I believe in teamwork I do not care what my job title is I don't care what my job description says if it helps one of the resident's and I can do it or help and I have the time I will.
21 My proudest achievement so far is my family and my marriage. It takes work all the time that never ends but damn it is so worth it
22 I dislike War I don't believe it solves anything...I support the troops who are overseas but I still cannot support the idea of War.
23 I was born in Sweden but as an adult I lived in Sweden for 6 months and it opened my eyes and it allowed me too see that we all have our good and bad points...and that I will always be a svartskalle no matter how well I speak the language. I am proud of my heritage but I also realize that I will never truly be a Swede but cheering for them every once in a while never hurt and calling IKEA the mother ship is just the truth....but I miss Sweden and my family like crazy and I get so homesick sometimes it physically hurts especially in the summer there is nothing more beautiful.
24 I have friends for many reasons, I never tell one person everything, there are certain ones who can bring you to the ground, help you soar, pat you on the back, help you realize you aren't really a heathen mother and then some who would go to jail get you out and slap you across the face and say what the hell were you thinking
25 I have absolutely no regrets despite being in some really dark places, doing some really stupid drunken things ok alot of really stupid drunken things....everything I have done I have learned something
26 I am good at coming up with the ideas and not good at following the rules sometimes yeah no 26 gotta be different than everybody else
27 Living in Dunyo West Africa for 3 months taught me alot...I don't know everything, life is as life is unfair, rich, beautiful and cruel and there is nothing I can do to change it, don't be afraid of the huge bugs become friends with the huge bugs, conversations about bowel movements can be very consuming and interesting
27 Family is be all and end all...family is what you make it whether it be created by love or blood.

The love of a boy and his dog...

Erik and Maximus adore each other. Erik sings for him in the morning, sings for him when Maxi takes off to visit the neighbours and sings for him when we pick Erik up at daycare. Erik can always be found laying with Max or riding Max and usually feeding Max whether it is intentional or not. Maximus came to our family in a momentary lapse of reason on my part, I was pregnant and there were too many people pushing for a dog little and small. I am the one who has been the head "bitch" in Maximus' life though he does show selective hearing at times, he has turned into a beautiful family dog, he is amazing with the boys and he is such a calm dog when visitng my work and walking down town. For the amount of times that I curse him I have grown to love his aloof and calm nature. We have been told by the vet that Max needs surgery for his cruciate ligaments in his knees it is an expensive procedure up to $6000.00 and our hearts and our minds are torn in making a decision...stay tuned

Susan Boyle my new hero

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxPZh4AnWyk

I hope that when I am 47 I have the balls, the sass and the talent in something like Susan Boyle. Wow there are no words. The 2 important lesson I hope to teach my boys is to never judge a book by its cover and everyone has a gift what they do with it is up to them. What a beautiful gift. We should all follow our dreams...

My youngest has discovered the toilet. This is a good thing if he used it for its proper use not for tossing rolls of toilet paper, socks and chip bags while waving bye bye as he flushes. I wonder what went through his mind as he watched me plunge the toilet madly this morning, cursing under my breath. My hands were covered in Andrew's socks to keep from getting splinters from the plunger (which the dog believed was a chew toy, but I haven't been willing to give up because it is the best plunger ever). I know what went through his mind is this lunatic actually my mother. Heaven help me...

Sick Kids battle

Re: Doctor’s break silence on Kaylee’s Dilemma
It saddens me that babies and children die.
It saddens me that parents have to make heart wrenching decisions whether to believe in hope and fight or let their child go in peace.
It saddens me that grief and reality make people do strange things and say hurtful things.
It saddens me that people believe they have the right to criticize nurses and doctors, who are surrounded with unfair realities and are bound by ethics to make decisions in the best interest of a child.
It saddens me to see that people believe that putting out their story for everyone to see allows them to make medical decisions that are surrounded by ethics and a protocol.
Criticize the process if you want it is there for a reason and doctors and nurses are bound by this.
Many people do not understand that babies and children die, parents are forced to make inconceivable decisions about their child’s life, doctors and nurses at Sick Kids live this every day.
Lillian O’ Connor is sadly not the only baby awaiting a heart transplant there are families who have been waiting months even years for a heart for their child. Parents who have made Sick Kids their home wondering each day if this is the day. Who are we to choose who gets the transplant and who doesn’t. There is a protocol in place to make that decision based on need not on emotion.
It saddens me that the sanctuary of this amazing place called Sick Kids has had to focus on speaking out and defending decisions they do not make lightly and struggle to make in the best interest of the children involved.
Sick Kids is an amazing place. Within those walls are incredible people who make life altering decisions everyday, they all do a job few could fathom or cope with. They need our support, our gratitude, our applause not our criticism and emotion based outrage.

My Dirty Little Secret

I watched Oprah today and yesterday...snippets here and there. It was about mom's sharing their dirty little secrets. I laughed hysterically when a mom admitted to creating lunch out of all the snacks in the car...I thought wow I can't even imagine being able to find anything in my van and another woman admitted that her secret to discipling was to have her children believe she was a little bit crazy...well I started thinking of my own dirty little secret. Hmmmm where to begin I swear alot in front of my kids I know I know but it is such a release when you are having a crazy day, I feel like I am a gerbil running on one of those wheels not getting anywhere all the time, I cannot wait till my children will do all my dishes without getting water on the floor, my house is a disaster and I wonder will it ever get better, I have three sons and I am hating hockey...I think it is just overload...will I ever be one of those mom's that know's all their stats all the kids and corresponding numbers, I believe that one day someone will show up at my door and say you have been fooling everyone else but you don't fool us as a mother, I believe my messy house is healthy and helps build up a healthy immune system, I believe that letting my kids walk down the hill from the bus stop by themselves is good for them and helps build trust and helps build good decision making. I know I am not a perfect mother I wouldn't want to be I think your children are not only supposed to learn from you and seeing that nobody is perfect and nobody is right all the time, everyone makes mistakes and has to apologize for them whether you called someone a name or swore whether you are big or small. Parenthood is the most challenging, hair pulling, frustrating, overwhelming job in the world but it is also the most rewarding.