Happy 40th to Denise

My girlfriend Denise whom I have known most of my life recently turned 40 here is my speech for her 40th Birthday....


I will never forget the day that I heard that Denny was pregnant with Reuben it was 9 11. Vera had just phoned to confirm my pregnancy with Andrew and shared the news. It was a surreal day. My parents were an ocean away, the news permeated every channel there was no escaping it. I remember talking to Denise that day, she was shocked beyond belief that she was pregnant it wasn’t something expected. I believe gin and tonic might have been consumed. We talked with trepidation about what we kind of world we were bringing these children into. It was a day of joy so intertwined with fear and heartache. I look back 7 years later and in our sons I see these amazing young boys they have become. They are so different, they don’t spend a lot of time together, but when they get together they click. We have always said they are like two old souls. I believe this stems from 2 generations of friendship that started over 35 years ago with our parents. I take solace in knowing that whatever happens in this world that our children will always have each other…like we did. It is the kind of friendship that doesn’t need to be forced, the kind where you can have a difference of opinions or shared fuck you’s and end the evening with a hug. The kind of friendship that regardless of the mistakes you make they will always be there. It is family.
Family is a funny thing. It is what you make it. Sometimes it is implanted in you and the generations that surround you as a child. Sometimes it comes with the saying of vows in front of your loved ones connecting two families in marriage. Sometimes it just happens… there is no rhyme or reason and when you try to look back and remember the first time that person entered your life you can’t because they were always there. Denny’s presence in my life has come with so much. The memories I have are boundless. Some come with the kind of laughter the kind that only someone who was there can truly appreciate. Some come with tears, heartache and the support that doesn’t need to be spoken or asked for. Some come with the frustration and challenges that different opinions, priorities and beliefs bring. But all come with a warmness and strength in knowing that no matter where I go, the celebrations and challenges I will face down the road I will turn around and there you will be by my side. So as we celebrate the 40th birthday of you my friend I will raise my glass in a toast…I hope you will always revel in the journey, celebrate what you have become, rejoice in the love that surrounds you but more importantly that you always have a full bottle of something and someone to share it with. Skoal, Prost, Le’chaim, Na zdrowie, . 'Budmo!' Cheers

Memorial Service...my philosophical side

It is human nature to search for Answers. Who, what, when, where why and how. I think that in the process we forget that we aren’t meant to find the answers sometimes the important part is the search itself. Somehow some of us believe that knowing will somehow make it easier. It doesn’t necessarily make it easier because the end is always the same we are born we live and we die. We are not mortal, just like all living things. Birth and Death are two of life’s greatest mysteries. There are times where a resident seems to wait until someone arrives, at times they wait till they are alone, sometimes they wait till they know their loved ones are going to be ok, now and again they just know and share that with someone and other times they just go because now seems as good a time as any and they don’t want to fight any more. We have the technology and the know how to prolong life, we now have medications and machines that keep illness at bay but it is not meant to neccessarily be a cure it is sometimes just meant to buy us time.
Time is a funny thing. It is not something you can really buy, it can be measured but it is not something you can add to, you think you can save it but you can’t really use it another day, you can waste it, you can spare it, you can test it, it can fly, it can heal, you can kill it, it can be on your side or not, there are good ones and bad ones, sometimes it stands still, while other times it passes by so quickly we didn’t realize where it has gone, some of us have more of it than others, we want it the most but use it the worst. Time means different things to us in different stages in our lives. When we are young we can’t wait to get older to do what we think we want but when we get there half the fun was actually in the wanting. As the children in our lives grow we wonder where it went. Then if some of us are fortunate enough to make it to old age we would give anything to get some of it back, to make amends, to tell someone we love them one more time, or to console them and tell them that everything was going to be ok.
Growing up with family far away I have learned it isn’t always the amount of time we spend with loved ones but how we spend it.
There is no way we can make time stand still or take some of it back all we can do is use the time we have as wisely as we can. Now is the time to say what we need to say, now is the time to forgive, now is the time to reflect and appreciate the time we had and in some cases still have with each other.

A rainbow, a stray and a feather

When we are faced with death we sometimes search for signs. Signs which give us closure, signs which validate decisions we made for our loved ones, signs to ensure that they are ok and in essence that somehow we are going to be ok. The decision to put Maximus to sleep was one of the hardest I have ever had to make and I say I because it was ultimately my decision. He was young only 2 but the more and more time that passed after the decision had been made I knew deep in my broken heart it was the right decision. My sons have done amazingly well with the whole thing, of course a mother working in a senior's home and dealing with Palliative care does allow for very interesting conversations in the Carpenter household. I tend to be a very open and honest person and when dealing with my sons and the topic of death and this journey has been no different. There have been tears and there have been laughs as we have remembered what this horse of a dog brought into our lives. The time as a young "puppy", a term used very loosely because size wise I wouldn't exactly use puppy as a term to describe him, when he bounded into the neighbours kitchen and started chasing their dog Ricki around the house while they quietly ate breakfast. Thank god they were dog people. The times he would sit on the couch his butt on the cushions and sit while we watched tv. The times he would sit aloof as Erik used him as jungle gym crawling over him and jumping on him.
Carp and I took him to Coby to have him put down and we sat and laid with him as he peacefully went to sleep no longer in pain. And so the signs began. Later that night I went out on the front step and saw the biggest rainbow in the sky, Andrew and I looked at it for a while and we felt it was Maximus telling us that he was ok. the next morning as I was doing dishes I looked out on the back deck and there was a litlle black scraggly stray dog that looked like grandma and poppa's dog Cocoa which had been put down a few years ago. We fed him and he dissappeared. David said "I think Max showed him the way here because he knew we had food." My mom, Elmo to my boys,had just returned from new York where she had stayed at her best friend's apartment. Gittan's husband Steve died a few years ago after battling cancer. Gittan has a whole vase filled with feather's that she has found while thinking of Steve or in a predicament and it has brought her comfort and she she feels Steve's prescence. Monday we were ready for school in record time arare occurence in our house so we decided to go see Elmo. The boys raided her cookie supply and then went outside to play as mom and I went out to the front lawn we both looked and there on the front lawn was a big black crow's feather. Mom and I laughed out loud and I pictured Maximus among some new found friends.
Oh yes it might be coincidence, but for us it brings peace in our hearts knowing that he is ok and with us and what is wrong with that.

Damn it I am going to miss him

The appointment is set for noon Saturday...it is weird you know this must what it is like for a scheduled C section but sadder. Knowing that things are going to chnage after that day and there is no going back. Knowing that around 12:30 it will be done, your emotions are going to be out of whack, there will be tears and dealing with the fallout from the boys and Carp. I look at Maxi as he limps along and I know that this is the best decision but it breaks my heart that this gentle soul whom Erik sings to in the morning, Erik crawls all over and lays with before bed at night, who watches the boys as they play, visits the neighbours on his own and steals Ricki's raw hide bones, this beast of a dog I have called every name in the book, who follows me and gets under foot or in his case under ass is actually going to be gone. David and Andrew are going with us a decision the boys made...David has informed me that he won't miss Max because he will go to heaven and we will see him again some day and he will have Maddy to play with... but I did overhear them talking tonight and David did say that he will miss him. I think the hardest part is knowing that you are ultimately making a decision that is taking the life of something...even though you know in your heart and head that it is the right decison does not in the least make it any easier. So as I sit and type, through wet eyes, with Maxi's big head on my lap and his eyes staring up at me...I hope he knows that no matter how much I called him f*@#ing Maximus it was out of love and I want to Thank him.
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. ~Roger Caras

My lessons from death.

I am involved with our palliative team at Fenelon Court. One of the things I help prepare is the memorial service. This is an excerpt from my "Sermon"



We are here today to remember 7 remarkable people, 7 people who’s lives were very different before Fenelon Court became a part of their lives. One of these residents may have been a teacher by fate but all of these residents taught us lessons about life. It has been a heavy few months we just had our last memorial service at the beginning of March where we remembered 10 of our residents and now here we are again and it is only May. It is times like these that the jobs we do become difficult. The people here who call Fenelon Court their home are near and dear to our hearts. We are a small home with only 67 residents and we all know each other. Each death affects us all whether we are staff, resident or family or friend.

I have the honour of working with residents and families who are dealing with death as a member of our palliative team and it has been the most rewarding, the most challenging, the most emotional and oddly enough the greatest gift. A gift might be a strange way of describing death but for me I have learned so much from death…that it can only be described as a gift, a gift of the greatest lessons. I would like to share some of them today.


I’ve learned that Life is precious and unpredictable.
I’ve learned that family is as family is.
I have learned that we need to Love one another, respect one another, accept one another especially when we find it hardest.
I have learned that it is the creation of memories and the building of traditions that brings us longing at some points and comfort at others.
I’ve learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see totally different things.
I’ve learned that we never stop being a student.
I’ve learned that Death ends a life not the relationship.
I’ve learned that Death is not something you get over, there is no calendar you can follow with grief…so many months so many years it doesn’t work like that. The pain just gets a little duller over time but it is always there.
I have learned that one of the most difficult things in life is figuring out when to hang on and when to let go.
I’ve learned that everyone matters to someone.
I’ve learned that Death can bring out the best in people and the worst in people.
I’ve learned that life is full of contradictions.
Life is a mystery. Death is an even bigger mystery.
I’ve learned that the past can come back and bite you in the behind or kiss you on the cheek.
I’ve learned that we all need to learn to forgive ourselves and other’s a little more.
I’ve learned that no matter how much you are hurting the world doesn’t stop for your grief.
I’ve learned that one day it will be too late…too late to say the things you should say and too late to do the things you should do so don’t assume it is too late to do them right now.
I’ve learned that every journey is different and it doesn’t get any easier.

I know in my heart that when I stop shedding tears it will be time to stop doing this work. I know one of the greatest fears when we face death it is the fear of our loved ones being forgotten. The people we are remembering today will not be forgotten they will be remembered in the stories and the memories we share here today, and in our laughter, tears and hearts as we return to their stories in the years to come.

What started as rambling and ended in aha

So here I sit with wet eyes and a heavy heart knowing the decision we have to make regarding my boy Maximus. After talking and my eyes going crosseyed researching, I have come to the conclusion that even not thinking of the $6000.00 it will cost to fix his knees, he will still be in pain from arthritis, he will still have to put up with in his silent way a toddler jumping on him while he tries to recuperate, he will still have a hard time keeping it all together and not look like Bambi on ice on my laminate floors and down the roads the hips which don't look good either might give out as well. It breaks my heart that this gentle soul of a dog is not long for this world not because of an act of nature or dying of old age or of some accident but because of a decision we must make. With the work I do and through my life I have seen alot of death...some peaceful, some painful, some expected and welcomed some were a shock, death happpens through all the stages in life and it is a hard and difficult journey. I now am just beginning to understand the denial, the not wanting it to be true, the anguish of decision making because maybe this course of treatment you choose might ultimately mean the death of someone or something you love, (no matter how much it might piss you off in life sometimes). Yes I know this is a dog we are talking about but there is a lesson to be learned here. I deal with death all the time, I deal with families going through a painful hard journey watching their loved one die. A person who they have fought with, loved, shared with for as long as they can remember. I try my hardest to be compassionate to say the right thing, to not sound like I read my response in a book or heard it at a seminar. I take pride in the care that I give with my whole heart and in the most respectful way possible. I take pride in the knowledge I have collected from reading, researching and experience. We are always learning and sometimes in the strangest moments. Despite all that, I never truly could begin to understand that decision making part, the guilt of knowing that my decision though in my heart I am making someone I love more comfortable but that decision ultimately could mean the end of someone's or in my case something's life. The decision made as a family member standing by the bed or the nurse making the decision and weighing comfort and hope. Struggling to know what the right decision is and for who. The guilt gnawing at you as you argue and look at it from all sides, financial, emotional, physical. Struggling to figure out what to say what to do when it all happens. Trying to figure out when it will happen or when it should happen. Funny how lessons can be found in the strangest places.

I am jealous of a 84 year old woman

I worked Monday night at the senior's home...after happy hour yes there was booze and stories. I sat with two of my residents philosiphizing and solving the world's problem's as we usually do and we watched 2 ladies who have dementia sit in awe and spend 20 minutes chasing our resident bunny, in their wheelchairs around the lightpost down the hall and back, talking to him and watching him and laughing. In that moment I found myself somewhat mezmorized by the simplicity of the moment the simple joy that a resident rabbit brought to these two ladies in their own little world, they waved each other over "Cmon he went over this way" they would point and off he would run and they followed giddily behind. It was funny to watch and I found myself jealous. Jealous of them being at the place in their mind where all that mattered were these two ladies, the thrill of the chase, however quiet or slow and a little rabbit. Their minds, their thoughts were carefree not invaded by bills, dog woes, not the four deaths that had happened in the past week, not thoughts of whether the house was clean, none of that mattered... all that mattered was enjoying that moment and catching the damn rabbit.

25 ok ok 27 things about me...

A few weeks ago while on visiting my guilty pleasure ...Facebook, more about that later, we had to write 25 random things about ourselves and post them....here are my 27 ( if you know me I tend to make my own rules at times) random things....
25 things about me hmmmm what can I write publically

1 I believe I was meant to have boys so I could teach them how to be good men and respect women.
2 I love to say the word Fuck Off, Fuck it, God damn fucking dog it is such a release it makes me feel so much better.
3 I am in shock that my children do not say it ... all the time.
4 I absolutely love my job, I was put on this earth to work and play with senior's and be creative. I feel it is an absolute honour to be surrounded by such amazing people who are so vital and so full of stories and so damn funny. I learn more from them than they could ever learn from me.
5 I don't like mean people, I don't have patience for woe is me, I do not like when people make judgements without walking or reflecting on what it would be like to walk in someone's shoes, I dislike negativity....but on the other hand I believe everyone has something to offer or give.
6. I believe Stress kills or it will make you very sick.
7. I believe in Karma baby. I believe you put good into the world good will come back. I believe everything happens for a reason even though that belief has been questioned many a time I believe it still rings true. I believe we are not given more than we can handle and we all have our path.
8 I cannot truly follow a recipe I always have to add something or do something that makes it my own.
9 My music tastes run the gamut and change with my moods...Miriam Makeba, African tribal music ABBA, Swedish rock from the 80's and 90's, Sven Ingvar's, Nickelback, loooove Serena Ryder, ACDC, Andre Bocelli, Led Zeppelin, Guns and Roses, etc
10 Violins make me cry.
11 Remembrance Day makes me cry I miss alot of friends at that time and it makes me sad that in my lifetime I believe we will see the last of the veterans of the World Wars. Play the last Post and I am done. I wonder if I spelled Remberance day correctly because I always spell it wrong...one of them has to be right I do not know which one.
12 I am Phoebe... I am full of contradictions, I always want to be fair to all the cookies, I sometimes put my foot in my mouth
13 I never tell anyone... no one ... and I never will everything about me I wouldn't want them to think I was too fucked up LMAO
14 My house is a disaster it always will be a disaster ( self fulfilled prophecy) but if my children and husband are happy and content and there is laughter in my house I am beginning to not really care.
15 I always cared too much what people think. Now I really don't give a fuck.
16. I do not understand the concept of a sip, take a bite, try a little, driving slow it' s either all or nothing.
17 I love to learn and constantly love looking up stuff and learning new things.
18 I have the utmost respect and am in awe of single mom's especially moms who are PSW's or in the nursing field they are in it because they care but they nevr have enough time and it is a hard, dirty job.
19 My goals include wanting to publish a book, a children's book or two and I will, go to Circus school and try the trapeze, go to Indonesia or Africa and see primates especially orangutangs in the wild and spend time with them I want to hold an orangutang, I want to see New Orlean's I want to dance with abandonment in a smoky New Orleans Jazz bar, I want to return to Sweden in the summer with my family Carp and the boys, I want to go on Safari in South Africa see the grasslands in a hot air balloon with animal herds underneath take hundreds of Photos and study a lions pride with Carp for a month when he has retired and once again see an African night sky, I want to speak french in Paris and smell the urine soaked streets and shop in the flea markets and take a unique picture of the Eifell tower, I want to be married to Carp still laughing and still want to be when we are 75. I still want to be a photographer when I am 75 and still using film just to prove a point.
20 I believe in teamwork I do not care what my job title is I don't care what my job description says if it helps one of the resident's and I can do it or help and I have the time I will.
21 My proudest achievement so far is my family and my marriage. It takes work all the time that never ends but damn it is so worth it
22 I dislike War I don't believe it solves anything...I support the troops who are overseas but I still cannot support the idea of War.
23 I was born in Sweden but as an adult I lived in Sweden for 6 months and it opened my eyes and it allowed me too see that we all have our good and bad points...and that I will always be a svartskalle no matter how well I speak the language. I am proud of my heritage but I also realize that I will never truly be a Swede but cheering for them every once in a while never hurt and calling IKEA the mother ship is just the truth....but I miss Sweden and my family like crazy and I get so homesick sometimes it physically hurts especially in the summer there is nothing more beautiful.
24 I have friends for many reasons, I never tell one person everything, there are certain ones who can bring you to the ground, help you soar, pat you on the back, help you realize you aren't really a heathen mother and then some who would go to jail get you out and slap you across the face and say what the hell were you thinking
25 I have absolutely no regrets despite being in some really dark places, doing some really stupid drunken things ok alot of really stupid drunken things....everything I have done I have learned something
26 I am good at coming up with the ideas and not good at following the rules sometimes yeah no 26 gotta be different than everybody else
27 Living in Dunyo West Africa for 3 months taught me alot...I don't know everything, life is as life is unfair, rich, beautiful and cruel and there is nothing I can do to change it, don't be afraid of the huge bugs become friends with the huge bugs, conversations about bowel movements can be very consuming and interesting
27 Family is be all and end all...family is what you make it whether it be created by love or blood.

The love of a boy and his dog...

Erik and Maximus adore each other. Erik sings for him in the morning, sings for him when Maxi takes off to visit the neighbours and sings for him when we pick Erik up at daycare. Erik can always be found laying with Max or riding Max and usually feeding Max whether it is intentional or not. Maximus came to our family in a momentary lapse of reason on my part, I was pregnant and there were too many people pushing for a dog little and small. I am the one who has been the head "bitch" in Maximus' life though he does show selective hearing at times, he has turned into a beautiful family dog, he is amazing with the boys and he is such a calm dog when visitng my work and walking down town. For the amount of times that I curse him I have grown to love his aloof and calm nature. We have been told by the vet that Max needs surgery for his cruciate ligaments in his knees it is an expensive procedure up to $6000.00 and our hearts and our minds are torn in making a decision...stay tuned

Susan Boyle my new hero

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxPZh4AnWyk

I hope that when I am 47 I have the balls, the sass and the talent in something like Susan Boyle. Wow there are no words. The 2 important lesson I hope to teach my boys is to never judge a book by its cover and everyone has a gift what they do with it is up to them. What a beautiful gift. We should all follow our dreams...

My youngest has discovered the toilet. This is a good thing if he used it for its proper use not for tossing rolls of toilet paper, socks and chip bags while waving bye bye as he flushes. I wonder what went through his mind as he watched me plunge the toilet madly this morning, cursing under my breath. My hands were covered in Andrew's socks to keep from getting splinters from the plunger (which the dog believed was a chew toy, but I haven't been willing to give up because it is the best plunger ever). I know what went through his mind is this lunatic actually my mother. Heaven help me...

Sick Kids battle

Re: Doctor’s break silence on Kaylee’s Dilemma
It saddens me that babies and children die.
It saddens me that parents have to make heart wrenching decisions whether to believe in hope and fight or let their child go in peace.
It saddens me that grief and reality make people do strange things and say hurtful things.
It saddens me that people believe they have the right to criticize nurses and doctors, who are surrounded with unfair realities and are bound by ethics to make decisions in the best interest of a child.
It saddens me to see that people believe that putting out their story for everyone to see allows them to make medical decisions that are surrounded by ethics and a protocol.
Criticize the process if you want it is there for a reason and doctors and nurses are bound by this.
Many people do not understand that babies and children die, parents are forced to make inconceivable decisions about their child’s life, doctors and nurses at Sick Kids live this every day.
Lillian O’ Connor is sadly not the only baby awaiting a heart transplant there are families who have been waiting months even years for a heart for their child. Parents who have made Sick Kids their home wondering each day if this is the day. Who are we to choose who gets the transplant and who doesn’t. There is a protocol in place to make that decision based on need not on emotion.
It saddens me that the sanctuary of this amazing place called Sick Kids has had to focus on speaking out and defending decisions they do not make lightly and struggle to make in the best interest of the children involved.
Sick Kids is an amazing place. Within those walls are incredible people who make life altering decisions everyday, they all do a job few could fathom or cope with. They need our support, our gratitude, our applause not our criticism and emotion based outrage.

My Dirty Little Secret

I watched Oprah today and yesterday...snippets here and there. It was about mom's sharing their dirty little secrets. I laughed hysterically when a mom admitted to creating lunch out of all the snacks in the car...I thought wow I can't even imagine being able to find anything in my van and another woman admitted that her secret to discipling was to have her children believe she was a little bit crazy...well I started thinking of my own dirty little secret. Hmmmm where to begin I swear alot in front of my kids I know I know but it is such a release when you are having a crazy day, I feel like I am a gerbil running on one of those wheels not getting anywhere all the time, I cannot wait till my children will do all my dishes without getting water on the floor, my house is a disaster and I wonder will it ever get better, I have three sons and I am hating hockey...I think it is just overload...will I ever be one of those mom's that know's all their stats all the kids and corresponding numbers, I believe that one day someone will show up at my door and say you have been fooling everyone else but you don't fool us as a mother, I believe my messy house is healthy and helps build up a healthy immune system, I believe that letting my kids walk down the hill from the bus stop by themselves is good for them and helps build trust and helps build good decision making. I know I am not a perfect mother I wouldn't want to be I think your children are not only supposed to learn from you and seeing that nobody is perfect and nobody is right all the time, everyone makes mistakes and has to apologize for them whether you called someone a name or swore whether you are big or small. Parenthood is the most challenging, hair pulling, frustrating, overwhelming job in the world but it is also the most rewarding.

As we are gearing up for another Mamma's/Diva boat cruise on July 10th, I find myself immersed in the idea of how amazing women are. It is not just about us letting loose and having a good time it is about celebrating women. I have come to an age where I am comfortable in my own skin though it is loose in spots I wish at times were tighter...especially when I sneeze or laugh or cough LOL. I still have weight to lose, there is still work to be done but I am proud of the wrinkles, the grey hair, the stretch marks, I am a work in progress, and so it should be, regardless I am finally understanding that the women I have become is a person I like. The women I choose to surround myself with are beautiful, vivacious, incredible, strong and loving women who I am proud to call my friends. We are all busy women with our hands in so many things yet we choose to partake in whatever manner we can to an evening that promises greatness. It not only allows us a well deserved, long overdue night out but the most quintisential beauty of it is that we are helping other people. People in our community who are mother's like us who if the roles were reversed would be doing the same thing. Strong incredible families who have been handed an unfathomable hand that they did not choose and have been thrown into. These families live in our towns, their children go to our school's, they are a part of us...doing something like this is all we know, all we know to feel useful, all we know so we don't just idly stand by and this is the only way we know to show that we care and that they are not alone....and a girl's night out never hurt anyone.

Life's Lessons this week

It has been a crazy busy week, who's isn't, but I found myself appreciating the beauty, love and awe that I find admidst the chaos. I feel so very blessed especially when I look around and see how fortunate I truly am...that does not take away the fact that I do bitch every once in a while...it is venting and it is good to release.

• I learned even surrounded by death and funerals, as I found myself this week, I can find myself surrounded by the little moments that leave me with a smile in my heart...witnessing a 98 year old man visiting with his sister who he doesn't remember when he saw last, watching a younger brother comfort his older brother with a pat on the back at the funeral of their father, a 3 year old girl in the first moment she sees her dad, crying out daddy and running with open arms to him.
• I wish it surprised me when people can only think of themselves in the middle of somebody else's crisis.
• Carp can still make me laugh, smile and beam with pride.
• I sat with amazement and awe as Andrew read a book he picked out and read for the sake of reading not just because he had to it was a beautiful thing to see.
• Curling is something that should not be taken lightly... it is more difficult than one would think
• Me walking on ice is not a great idea.
• Spending the whole weekend with my family is the greatest high.
• I really don't care if I get invited at the last second out of obligation or because you think you have to.
• The smell of three raw steaks cannot keep a very large dog with a limp away no matter where you hide them in the van.
• You can't beat Hotwire $57.00 american for the Sheraton on Queen in TO wow
• A gorgeous day, hearing the snow melt, seeing the grass pop through smelling the mud and feeling the sun on your face who needs to go down south this is what it is all about and it is free and their are no lineups
• Never put two rolls of toilet paper in the tub and tear them apart while having a bubble bath
• Never put said toilet paper within reach of an 18 month old while he is in the tub
• Watching Erik yell GOOOOOOOAAAAALLLL as his brother plays hockey is good comic relief especially if we are losing.
• Watching your boys ride their bikes for the first time this year makes your realize very quickly how much they actually grew over the winter.
• An undiagnosed skin rash on your 18 month old makes people nervous as does a major temper tantrum with the added bonus of head banging.
• Your 18 month old learns quickly that if he has a temper tantrum other people will give him candy to shut him up.
• He also quickly learns that trick doesn't work as well with mamma when you get home.

The most important lesson I learned this week was life is to short you just never know take the time to breathe and take in some of the wonder that surrounds you, appreciate all you have especially the time you have with your loved ones.

Memorial Service

This is an excerpt that I wrote for the memorial service at my work. I have the best job imaginable. I work with 67 residents, I get paid to come up with and do programs with them. It is a job where I learn something new everyday, it keeps me grounded and amazed. Since Novemeber we have had 11 resident's pass away...it has been a hard winter to say in the least. I always close with a poem that I find and I will include it as well.



The quilt has a significance in the generations that live at Fenelon Court. Some made their own quilts in the day, or they might have had mothers or grandmother’s who were quilters and made the quilts that kept them warm. Some of those very quilts can even be found on the beds or in the rooms in these very halls. Quilting in the past was a necessity, it was a social event, it was one of the first act of recycling…taking snippets of fabric and piecing them together. The individual pieces were unique on their own. Some were muted, some brilliant, some stiff, some worn, some strong on their own, while others were delicate and needed the strength of the stitches and pieces surrounding them to bring out their own intensity. It was pieced together with time, patience and love. They were created not knowing what the end result would be until you had sewn the final stitch, whether you had followed a pattern or not. To finish a quilt you needed layers which on their own might not have had as much significance but put together they would create something amazing.
It is kind of like Fenelon Court. We are all little pieces with our own stories our own knowledge our own experiences independently we are valuable but when we are stitched together it becomes something greater than ourselves. There always comes a time when a part of the quilt becomes tattered and worn and might need to be patched with a new scrap. The piece that was originally there isn’t entirely gone and the significance that it held for the quilt as a whole has not disappeared, it has just changed shape.
People come through our doors they carry with them a lifetime of stories and they have all played a role in somebody’s life whether it was as a parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, sibling or friend. The people who work here carry with them their own knowledge and their own hopes in how they want to care for the people that call this place home as well as the families that bring them here. We are all a part of something bigger whether we want to see it or not, whether we are the families of the residents, the staff or the resident’s themselves. In the end when all is said and done there are some pretty remarkable things that happen within these doors and there are some exceptional people who touch our lives and we are all affected when there is a loss and our quilt has to be patched once again.
I am honoured to speak on behalf of all the staff who have shared their stories of these 10 unique people who called Fenelon Court home.


Jessie’s Piece by Robert Brault

The world’s a jigsaw, once I thought,
With each of us a piece to fit,
A predetermined Grand DesignAnd each of us a part of it.
I thought that God must surely have A blueprint of His final goal
,And all who come into this lifeAre meant to play some fated role.

One day, upon a village square,I happened by a tiny shop.
What random step had led me there?
What in the window made me stop?

It was a quilt, a crazy quilt,
Each piece a brightly-colored patch,
A joyful, glowing work of art
From scraps you’d think would never match.

I looked upon the quilt in awe
To think a thing so oddly fine
Was stitched from fragments never made
To fit to anyone’s design.

I wondered then if God might wish
That in this way His world be built,
Each life a motley-colored scrap,
And He the weaver of the quilt.

I looked upon the quilt and saw
A patch that seemed but sheer caprice,
So whimsical it made me smile.
I knew it was my Jessie's piece.

This week my middle son is turning 5...wow. I watched him today on the ice totally in his element, he was so focused grinning from ear to ear he is his father's son. I watched him today climb the hill at the neighbour's cheeks red full of determination as he climber up to the top and then rolled laughing down the other side he is his auntie Header's nephew. I watched him today walk by me and give me a little swat on the butt and run away laughing he is his morfar's grandson. I watched him hug his little brother and make him laugh with glee despite teething he is my son. I watched him ask one question after another with wonder he is Elmo's grandson. I watched him brag about his prowess on the ice so proud he is his grandmother's grandson. I watched him quietly accept what was being told and then say what he thought he is his poppa's grandson. He is a piece of my heart, he is my laughter, he is my wonder, he is my determination, he is my constgant reminder to breathe and take in the moments, he is my miraculous hell on wheels he is my David and he will be 5.

How to prepare for the stomach flu...

I have learned this round that instead of wasting so much of my time in denial fighting the inevitable... I should embrace it and prepare. Here are my lessons learned.

• Make sure you have a bounty of gatorade, chicken noodle soup keep out of reach of those not sick
• Soda crackers are your friend even though the mere sight of them may take you back to a time you do not want to remember.
• Place blankets and pillows all around the house so you can just rest where you feel like dropping
• Be prepared to fight the dog for the dog bed in the bathroom practice giving him the look
• Dig out the diaper cream and wipes
• put on comfy clothes pants you can pull up and down easily and something hooded which you can use to make anyplace dark and muffle the sound of children laughing and playing
• call in all the supports, especially the " I owe you ones " that you never used
• Have a designated bucket preferably something you bought at the dollar store that can be recycled after if you area real Martha Stewart and have enough time to prepare get the kids to decorate it making it real special make sure it remains washable and water proof
• Keep lots of cleaning supplies and toilet paper. Take pride in making your toilet clean and shiny for the next trip.
• Find some interesting literature for example the Heroin Diaries. It really helped me escape the reality of my dismal bathroom transporting me into a faraway hotel bathroom while faceless women lay naked on the bed outside their bathroom door after a Motley Crue. It also really helped me capture the character of Nikki Sixx as he once again struggled with his hangover, drug sickness or withdrawl throughout the book.
• Now if your house has only one bathroom maybe create rules before hand in case more than one person is sick at the same time...be fair.
• If possible get rid of your children even if it is for small pieces of time there is nothing worse than happy children running carefree and laughing when mamma is sick.
• Toast and Peanut butter does constitute dinner
• If your husband gets sick before you be kind and understanding you can call those favours in...if it is after you get ear plugs
• and lastly enjoy the 3 or four pounds you have lost while you can because it won't last.

What I Miss

• I miss my naivete the place I was at 4 and even 15 where I believed all people were good, nice, kind and looked out for each other but I have found at almost 40 the honesty whether they want to hear it or not and it is actually refreshing.
• I miss old friend who took me with the bad and the good, people who liked me for who I was or so I believed...but you know what I have found a safe place amongst people new and old who are really genuinely and truly happy for each other.
• I miss sleep and just actually sitting, breathing with a still mind...instead I have found the joy that is boys the noise, the dodging, the weaving, the messy sticky hugs and kisses when they mean it not when I want it.
• I miss the philosophical conversations with old friends who knew me without explanation, the bad and the good...I have discovered the world of why, I look for the answers beside a four year old, I have found my books to answer my own questions and expand my mind...the conversations wll come again in the quiet of the night when children are sleeping and not interupted with head butts, makeshift missiles which though never aimed at me always come in my direction and the constant call of Moooooom.
• I miss that place in my head that all was numb, fuzzy and forgotten, the place where I could just be and do and not think...in its place I have found a clear place a scary place because you are forced to feel the scars remember them that are starting to heal and in them I find lessons and move on
• I miss the writing the high when everything comes spilling out and has found its place on paper, the feeling of release, the weight lifting, knowing its out there and not in the fullness of my head... and in its place I have found nothing, I have found myself slowly following the old paths of my youth that is not where I am going that is not where I am meant to be....I am back.