What started as rambling and ended in aha

So here I sit with wet eyes and a heavy heart knowing the decision we have to make regarding my boy Maximus. After talking and my eyes going crosseyed researching, I have come to the conclusion that even not thinking of the $6000.00 it will cost to fix his knees, he will still be in pain from arthritis, he will still have to put up with in his silent way a toddler jumping on him while he tries to recuperate, he will still have a hard time keeping it all together and not look like Bambi on ice on my laminate floors and down the roads the hips which don't look good either might give out as well. It breaks my heart that this gentle soul of a dog is not long for this world not because of an act of nature or dying of old age or of some accident but because of a decision we must make. With the work I do and through my life I have seen alot of death...some peaceful, some painful, some expected and welcomed some were a shock, death happpens through all the stages in life and it is a hard and difficult journey. I now am just beginning to understand the denial, the not wanting it to be true, the anguish of decision making because maybe this course of treatment you choose might ultimately mean the death of someone or something you love, (no matter how much it might piss you off in life sometimes). Yes I know this is a dog we are talking about but there is a lesson to be learned here. I deal with death all the time, I deal with families going through a painful hard journey watching their loved one die. A person who they have fought with, loved, shared with for as long as they can remember. I try my hardest to be compassionate to say the right thing, to not sound like I read my response in a book or heard it at a seminar. I take pride in the care that I give with my whole heart and in the most respectful way possible. I take pride in the knowledge I have collected from reading, researching and experience. We are always learning and sometimes in the strangest moments. Despite all that, I never truly could begin to understand that decision making part, the guilt of knowing that my decision though in my heart I am making someone I love more comfortable but that decision ultimately could mean the end of someone's or in my case something's life. The decision made as a family member standing by the bed or the nurse making the decision and weighing comfort and hope. Struggling to know what the right decision is and for who. The guilt gnawing at you as you argue and look at it from all sides, financial, emotional, physical. Struggling to figure out what to say what to do when it all happens. Trying to figure out when it will happen or when it should happen. Funny how lessons can be found in the strangest places.