1 year ago today...

1 year ago today we had a memorial for a friend, a member of our family Tony Shone . I remember the place I was in last year at this time, it was a time of chaos, uncertainty in what the future would hold for members in my family, it was a time of bitter, unforgiving, questioning, anger, it was a time of not really understanding why some people are so incredibly selfish, incredibly callous and incredibly stupid. But it was also a time of joy...in the baby I was carrying and how much he gave me and others in the family hope, it was a time of things happening for a reason and not really understanding what that meant, it was a time for using the blackest of humour and letting laughter guide you through the craziest of circumstances and darkest of places, it was a time to learn the power of living in the moment and appreciate all we had admidst the chaos, now I see it was a time for realizing the importance of patience, forgiveness ( but not forgetting), letting things go that don't really matter and no matter how much people try to take from you their is much they never can take away unless you let them...like your dignity, your pride, your joy and your power to change things in a positive way. So as I sit here making plans for my amazing sister in laws wedding to an equally amazing man, whom I believe was sent by Tony, I revel in the idea of how things can change so drastically...if you let them. So in memory of an equally good man I will share what I read at his memorial a year ago today...knowing he would be happy at where we are today as a family.

I am not going to stand here and try to understand and decipher family dynamics, the complexity of relationships, how people grieve or how death can make people do strange things and I am definetely not going to even begin to try to comprehend why some people are put on the journeys that they are. We are here to begin to heal, to remember Tony, the person he was to each one of us and to give his life however short the dignity it deserves.
I was having trouble knowing what to write because I know that Tony wouldn't want any of this and I still can't believe he is gone. But there are a few things that need to be said about Tony Shone. This is a part of what I know. I didn't know him very long only the past 7 years or so. When Heather told us she had met someone I became instantly leary but I can honestly say that from the moment that I met Tony I liked him, he was that kind of guy. They were very different in every sense of the word but I think from the moment Heather and Tony got together they actually found true happiness, mutual respect and a true partner something neither one of them had found and something both of them had been searching for, for a long long time. Tony absolutely adored Heather they were the quintissential team, she wasn't just something he liked having around in a bikini, but of course knowing Tony that didn't hurt, but he truly loved Heather for who she was and she loved Tony in the same way. After Heather had her last accident 3 years ago he was there for her and helped her in every way he could. Over the past year Tony had started his own business which Heather was very much a part of. They were working on renovations in both places together, the place in town where the boys and Samantha had stayed for a time, was being painted, rooms were changed and the floors stained and varathaned. While the home at Fell's point was in the midst of big changes as well, walls were coming down, the exterior work, the gardens were magnificent, the kitchen was coming along and oh that beautiful orange shag carpet ... the future was bright.
Whenever we would see Samantha sparks of Tony could be seen in her. His ear for music, her fearlessness in being different, her thirst for knowledge not just going with what someone says, her enjoyment of books, her love for animals I hope these and other qualities of Tony's continue to grow as she matures and stands on her own two feet and embarks on her own journey.
As a member of the Carpenter family Tony was the go to guy. Any questions about cars, the newest gadgets, tattoos anything blessed to carry an engine it was a short call to Tony. New designs, games, the internet, ebay, music, electronics, business, small home repair, finding out what certain individuals were doing when they should have been home Tony was your guy. Tony enjoyed the better things in life. When it came to renovations at their home on Fell's point, he took great pride in the stainless steel the black marble they had chosen for the kitchen, the steel roof and the tinted windows. He loved his motors, the jaguars that he would fix up, the motorcycles, the roadmaster, the dump truck, the boat. He would buy them, of course always a good deal and would fix them up usually with his friends nearby and always with his own genius and creativity.
He was a procrastinator yes, but when he got a job done it was a piece of art and it was noticed whether it was the sound of the motor, the volume in the speakers, the clarity of the sound, the finest detail of the tattoos on his back, and when it came to colour it was never dull or boring...it was all definitely noticed.
Our family is forever changed by these events as everyone here is. Some of the things that I have learned and some old lessons have definitely been deepened since the accident. One of them is things rarely go as planned, in a crisis as a family you either implode or just move forward as a team supporting each other along the way, one incident can be a catalyst for so many things to different people, how we react does not just effect ourselves but it can create a ripple effect, the most important lesson, no matter how bad it gets, we always have a choice. Do we choose to become stronger or weaker, do you focus on what could have been, what we believe is fair and what isn't or do you work through it and move on moment by moment, do you focus on the important things and fight for those or do you just react because of anger or grief and wallow, do you forgive and move on, do you focus on the material things or what you gave to each other the things no one can ever take away...no matter how deep the grief or crazy the circumstances we always have a choice.
Our family dinners will never be the same as we just saw on Easter Sunday, there are things we will miss...seeing Samantha as often as we used to,Tony's laugh, his buddha belly after dinner, but he always had room for pie, Cory and Tony settling down for a nap after Jean's legendary turkey, his full head of hair... he definitely wasn't a Carpenter in that aspect, our impromptu get togethers out at Tony's and Heather's in the summer with everyone welcome boats, food, dogs, kids their place was a salvation and escape when times got tough, he was great to have in your corner and told you like it was whether you wanted to hear it or not, he wasn't the kind to sugarcoat things or worry about hurting your feelings he called it as he saw it, he loved to discuss things he wanted to get to the root of your belief, he didn't care what people thought of him he was who he was take it or leave it, he wasn't perfect none of us are but he was a good man and that shows in the people here today, his family and his closest friends. Tony always challenged me in life and in a strange way he is still challenging me in death... boy is he ever.
Thank you my friend you will be missed.
(I always like to end with a quote.
This quote was written by Charlie Daniels on his way to his friend Steve Van Zant's Funeral I felt it rang true about Tony
A brief candle; forever burning
An endless mile; a bus wheel turning
A friend to share the lonesome times
A handshake and a sip of wine
So say it loud and let it ring
We are all a part of everything
The future, present and the past
Fly on proud bird
You're free at last.)